


Stay with me, don't let me go

by broken_fannibal



Category: Supernatural
Genre: (Dean), (mentioned) - Freeform, Abusive John Winchester, Dean Winchester Needs Love, Dean Winchester Needs a Hug, Fluff, Huddling For Warmth, Hugs, Internalized Homophobia, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Platonic Cuddling, Sharing a Bed, because of, convenient heater malfunction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-02
Updated: 2018-11-02
Packaged: 2019-08-14 16:13:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16495949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/broken_fannibal/pseuds/broken_fannibal
Summary: Dean is great at denying himself what he wants/ needs.Cas manages to help him get more comfortable.Title from Ashes of Eden by Breaking Benjamin





	1. Chapter 1

“Cas?” Dean called in the quiet of the motel room.

“Yes?”

Dean swallowed. “I'm cold. Could you- uh...”

“Oh. Should I switch on the heater?” Cas asked.

Dean nodded. “Yeah.” He shuddered. His body ached with the need to be held. By Cas. But he couldn't. He shouldn't.

The low whir of the heater started and feet shuffled over the floor. Cas came closer.

Dean tensed at first when he felt something touch his hand under the thin blanket. He relaxed when he realised it was Cas.

“You're very cold. Are you okay, Dean?” he sounded... worried.

“It's cold outside and the blanket´s thin. I-” he stopped when he felt a warm touch to his forehead. He couldn't help but lean into it. Dean shivered and made a small noise of protest when the blanket was pulled away.

He heard a rustle of fabric, felt something warm being draped over him. He reached out to pull it closer around himself, curled up so it would cover more of his body.

“You can have my coat for now.” Cas rumbled.

Dean shuddered again. Cas had draped his coat over him. Such a small gesture shouldn't feel like it meant so much, Cas' scent surrounded him, calmed him. He shook his head, no it was just the warmth that calmed him, nothing else.

There was silence for a while, then the shuffling of feet. At first, he thought Cas would leave him like that. Probably go back to thinking about angel things while staring out the window all night. But a bit later he heard the shuffling come closer again.

“The heater isn't getting warm.” Cas told him.

Dean groaned. “Awesome. I always wanted to freeze to death.”

The light on the bedside table was switched on, Dean blinked at the sudden brightness. When his eyes had gotten used to the light, he saw Cas staring back at him. There was a deep frown on his face.

“I will not let you freeze, Dean.” Cas said.

Dean scoffed. “Well, the heater isn't working and your coat doesn't keep me that warm either.

Cas sighed and draped the blanket over Dean again. Then he went to the cupboard to search for more blankets. He found one and brought it to Dean.

“Cas, that's great. But unless I'm getting warmer, more blankets aren't any use. They keep warmth in, they don't produce it.” Another shudder ran down his spine. Sam was probably nice and warm back at the bunker, while he was here freezing and way too tired. He probably didn't have any right to be this cranky. Cas tried his best.

Dean was torn from his thoughts when Cas sat down at the edge of the bed. "Is there anything I can do?”

Dean blinked. This was his chance, wasn't it? He looked away and mumbled: “Only way I see is you getting under the blanket to keep me warm.”

“Oh.” Cas looked at him in surprise. “I didn't think of that.” He bent down to take off his shoes. He took off his suit jacket and tie too.

Dean briefly wondered how much of his clothes he was gonna take off.

Cas pulled his coat out from under the first blanket and then draped the second one over Dean. He hesitated before lifting the blankets and lying down beside him.

Dean sighed when he felt the warmth. He shifted and reached over Cas to switch the lamp off.

Cas sucked in a small breath when Dean leaned over him. He was so close all of a sudden.

Dean shifted closer, tried not to think about how close he was to Cas. He just needed warmth. That was all. His chest was touching Cas' shoulder, he couldn't help but shiver at the warmth that radiated off of him. If it had been anyone else Dean would have reached out and touched them and pull them closer. But this was Cas. He took a deep breath and draped one arm over Cas, tucking his hand between Cas' arm and body.

Cas tensed a bit. “Should I... hug you back?”

Dean swallowed, he was so glad it was dark so Cas couldn't see his expression. “Yeah.” It came out softer and quieter than intended.

Cas nodded, he slid one arm under Dean's body and wrapped it around his back. He could feel Dean shiver under his touch. He pulled Dean closer and jumped when Dean's face ended up pressed against his neck. It was so cold. He slid his other hand up to Dean's cheek to warm him.

Dean sighed at the touch.

Cas smiled.

A short while later Dean's breathing evened out. He lay there, staring at the ceiling with Dean curled up against his side. It felt strange but good. Cas liked being able to help him. There was so little he had been able to do lately.

From time to time Dean shifted or twitched, but he never once woke up.

One time when the sun was starting to rise, Cas thought Dean was going to wake up, he shifted and rolled onto belly and ended up sprawled on top of Cas. Not that he minded. He readjusted the blankets and wrapped both his arms tightly around Dean.

He closed his eyes and enjoyed the quiet, the soft sounds of Dean's breathing, the heavy weight of Dean's body in his arms.

Several hours later Dean began to stir. He rolled onto his side and blinked a few times.

Dean cleared his throat. “Thanks.” He couldn't hold eye contact.

Cas smiled at him and squeezed his side with a hand.

Dean jumped a bit, he looked down at the arm that still lay under him, then his gaze wandered to Cas other arm. It lay on his belly, but the hand was outstretched towards Dean. As if he was longing to reach out.

His eyes flicked up to Cas again. “Did you really stay here all night?”

“Yes.” Cas nodded. “You could have gotten cold otherwise.”

Dean nodded. “Hm.” He was quiet for a while, unsure of what to say. It was so damn awkward. “Thanks.”

Cas smiled at him. “You're welcome.”

Dean hesitated, he didn't quite want to get up.

Cas touched his shoulder. “Dean?”

“Yeah?”

“We can do this again if you want. It doesn't only have to be when you're cold.”

Dean's eyebrows shot up. “You would... do that?”

“Yes, gladly.”

“Huh...” Dean frowned. “Wasn't it boring? Lying in one spot all night with me snoring or drooling onto your shirt?”

Cas cocked his head. “No. You didn't-" he interrupted himself. "It wasn't too different from how my night would have gone otherwise. I had time to think. And holding you... calmed me.”

Dean blinked in confusion. “What?”

Cas looked back at him. “Is that so strange?”

“Uh... I- I don't know. Guess not.” he chose his next words carefully. “I was just a bit confused, is all.”

"Ah." Cas nodded.

They were quiet again for several minutes. "We should get going.” Dean sighed, he still didn't want to get up. “I'll take a shower, get some food. And then we'll be on our way."

Cas frowned. If Dean wanted to get up, then why didn't he? He pulled his hand out from under Dean and sat up.

Dean took a deep breath and got up.

He took a hot shower, it made him feel like he was still back in bed, under the blanket, in Cas' arms. Fuck. His thoughts wandered back to the last night. Some parts were a blur of being cold and shivering, but he vividly remembered the moment Cas had wrapped his arms around him. He had felt so calm then, protected, safe. It shouldn't have felt so good. It really shouldn't. He cursed himself for giving in, now it would be harder to deny this, to hide from Cas. Especially because he seemed to just see things, know things Dean was sure he had hidden. And he was good at hiding things, had done so all his life. Maybe it was because he was an angel? Heavenly insight or something.

When Dean got out of the bathroom Cas sat at the table, waiting for him with breakfast.

Dean grinned. "Ha, thanks." He sat down and dug in.

Cas looked out the window most of the time, though sometimes his gaze wandered to Dean.

Had Dean looked up, he would have seen the fond expression on Castiel's face.

 

Ten minutes later they were on their way back to the bunker. Back home.


	2. Chapter 2

One night Dean woke up from a nightmare.

They were getting more frequent again.

He went to the bathroom and washed his face. When he turned around, he jumped. Cas was directly behind him.

"Woah. Cas." He took a step back.

Cas just looked at him, worried.

"What are you doing here, man?"

"You called me. You screamed my name."

Dean frowned. "I was asleep until a minute ago. There's no way-"

"Did you have a nightmare?" Cas interrupted him.

Dean blinked. "Yeah."

"You prayed to me while you were asleep."

"Huh..." Dean still didn't look up.

“You were in a lot of pain when I heard you.” Cas added, his voice softer now.

Dean took a shuddering breath and walked around him. He didn't want to think about the nightmare, didn't want to remember. He sat down on the foot of the bed.

Cas turned around, regarded Dean. He sat there in his briefs and a t-shirt. There was a sweat stain on his chest. No doubt there was one his back as well. He still looked a bit pale as his eyes stared into nothing.

They were silent for a while.

"Do you want me to stay with you?" Cas asked softly.

Dean shook his head. "You don't have to."

"That is not what I asked, Dean. I asked if you wanted me to stay." There was more force in his voice now.

Dean looked up at him, a glimpse of hope in his eyes. He gave a small, hesitant nod.

Cas smiled gently. He stripped down to his t-shirt and underwear and slipped under the cover.

Dean stared at him in wonder before he slowly rounded the bed and lay down beside Cas.

Cas opened his arms.

Dean's eyes widened, he looked away again but then shuffled closer to rest his head on Cas' chest. The steady heartbeat calmed him. More than it should. Fuck. Why was he getting so attached? He squeezed his eyes shut and draped an arm over Castiel.

A hand settled on his wrist, a welcoming gesture.

Too welcoming, Dean thought. Why was Cas doing this? He shivered when Cas other hand wrapped around his back, pulling him closer.

Cas felt Dean shiver under his touch. This time it couldn't be because he was cold. He slid his hand further up Dean's forearm.

It didn't take long until he drifted off to sleep.

 

Dean slept through the whole night, didn't have another nightmare, he didn't even wake up once.

Cas liked to imagine it was because he had been there. But it could just be wishful thinking. As the morning crept closer, he debated if he should go. He wanted to stay, to see Dean wake up in his arms but the last time Dean had felt uncomfortable. Cas didn't know why but he didn't want to be a reason for it. 

Just as he pulled his hands away to leave, Dean stirred. Cas froze. He was too late. He had spent too much time thinking again. Typical.

Dean rolled onto his side but his arm stayed draped across Cas' belly. Dean's grip tightened in the fabric of his shirt as his hand twitched. His breath became more uneven, then he opened his eyes.

He leaned back a little to look at Cas.

There was a strange expression on Castiel's face. He looked sad, there was the beginning of a frown on his features.

Dean cocked his head. "What is it?" His voice was rough from sleep.

All expression vanished from Cas' face. "Nothing."

Dean frowned. "Whatever this was, it wasn't nothing. You don't need to hide." Fuck. Real smart, telling Cas he didn't have to hide when it was exactly what Dean was doing.

Cas sighed. "I was thinking about leaving but then you woke up. But-"

"Oh." Dean rolled onto his back, pulling himself away from Cas entirely. "You can leave now. I won't keep you. I'm sure you have important stuff to do. Sorry."

Cas made a small pained noise. His chest tightened. He moved his hands in Dean's direction, reaching out for him. This was exactly what he had wanted to avoid. He abruptly turned his head away and stared at the ceiling.

"Hey." Dean said softly and leaned over Cas.

Cas hesitantly looked into Dean's eyes.

"What's going on?" Dean whispered.

Cas frowned again. "I made you uncomfortable the last time, I wanted to avoid doing it again. Seems I failed." His voice was tight.

Dean cocked his head and sat up. He didn't even know what to say. He wanted to reassure Cas but how could he do that without revealing too much of himself? It was impossible, wasn't it? And worst of all with every passing second Dean could feel the silence weigh heavier, pressing down on him, suffocating. And Cas' expression got sadder too. He needed to do something, needed to say something. He shifted, bumped his knee against Castiel's outstretched hand and reached out to touch his shoulder.

Cas looked back at him, expression surprised but soft.

Dean took a few shaking breaths. He still had no idea what to say. "It's not your fault. You don't- it's fine." he blurted out.

Cas frowned.

What he had said made no sense, did it? Dean's head dropped in frustration.

Just as he was about to start explaining again, Cas said: "But you seem uncomfortable. You were last time I was there and you appear to be now."

Dean took a deep breath. "But it's not your fault." Well, here goes nothing. "It's me. I'm making an issue of something that is just a friendly gesture. And I appreciate it, I really do. It's great. I just don't know what to- how to-" he interrupted himself and shook his head. This wouldn't work. He turned around and got up. His words didn't make any sense, he couldn't get it right.

Cas leapt up and reached for Dean's wrist. He pulled at it to make Dean turn back around.

Dean didn't hold eye contact. "Sorry, man. Sometimes it's just better to shut up."

Cas kneeled at the edge of the bed, trying to get Dean to look at him.

Dean didn't want to look up.

"What did you mean by making an issue of this?" Cas asked.

Dean sighed. "I'm being stupid."

Cas remained silent.

Dean looked at him. "When'll you let go of me?"

"When I'm sure you won't leave if I do."

Dean groaned and turned his head away. This was beyond awkward already. And it wouldn't get better.

"Clearly there is something we need to talk about." Cas said carefully. "I don't understand why you are uncomfortable. You said you enjoyed it."

Dean took a deep breath. Cas wouldn't let him get away from this. He felt anxiety settle in his gut, stone cold and heavy. "I... I don't know how to say this. Um... it's nice but I- I can't help feeling weird after. Like this isn't supposed to happen. This isn't supposed to make me feel so comfortable. When you... hold me, I'm- it's like I don't need to worry anymore. And that's just... not right. It's not supposed to be like... that."

Cas frowned. "I don't understand. Do you think you don't deserve someone who cares about you? Or is it the intimacy of it that makes you uncomfortable?"

“I- I don't know. I guess both... kind of?” Dean carefully glanced at Castiel's face again. Searching his face for any negative reaction, or any at all. But there was nothing there. It unnerved him.

Silence spread again and Dean felt like he needed to fill it. "It was always like "boys aren't supposed to do that" or "boys don't act like that" or "real men don't do this and that". It just stuck with me, I..."

"Oh." Cas nodded. Suddenly so much of it made sense. He felt bad for not having seen it. He knew Dean's father had been very strict, but this was wrong on a whole other level. “I'm sorry.”

Dean shrugged, still looking away.

“Dean, you deserve to be loved and cared for. Your brother cares about you. I care about you.” He paused to let the words sink in. “There is no shame in allowing yourself to be comforted, to be held. You don't always have to be strong.”

Dean took a shaking breath. Those words, uttered so gently and honestly, they made his chest warm. The warmth spread to his belly because he realised that Cas meant them.

No one had ever talked to him like that. He could feel tears stinging in his eyes and he wasn't sure he had the power to hold them back. Knowing that Cas would understand. Slowly, he felt Cas easing his grip on Dean's wrist. Without thinking, he took Cas' hand before it pulled away and squeezed it.

Cas looked surprised for a second, then he squeezed back.

Dean closed his eyes and took several shaking breaths. Cas still held his hand. He couldn't hold the tears back anymore.

Cas felt his chest tighten in worry when he saw tears running down Dean's cheeks.

Dean licked his lips and a small sob escaped him. He couldn't look at Cas, stared at the ceiling instead.

Castiel's mind raced. What should he do? He reached out and gently took Dean's other hand. He sat down on the bed and caressed Dean's knuckles.

After a while Dean's sobs quieted down, his breathing was still a little irregular.

Finally, he dared to look at Cas. In contrast to his expectation, he found only understanding and... love in his features. Dean swallowed hard. He had no idea what to do now.

Cas let go of his hand and stretched his arms out towards Dean. Inviting him for a hug.

Dean hesitated for a second. Then he remembered that Cas didn't mind, he wouldn't judge. And his father was gone. He crawled onto the bed and wrapped his arms around Cas.

Their position was a little awkward, Dean could feel himself sliding off the mattress but he didn't want to let go.

Cas pulled him closer, held him, kept him from sliding off the edge.

Neither of them knew how long it had been when Dean leaned back.

Again, he couldn't hold eye contact.

“That was nice.” Cas rumbled. 

Dean hummed and nodded. He didn't trust his own voice yet. He sat there, kneading his hands in his lap.

Cas reached out with one hand to wipe the remaining tears off Dean's face.

Dean couldn't help but lean into the touch. Why? Why was it getting harder and harder to stay away? Fuck, he wanted it, craved it.

Cas slowly slid his hand to the side of Dean's face. He stroked over his cheekbone with a thumb.

“Do you want to hug again?” Cas asked quietly.

Dean just nodded. His throat felt tight.

Cas lay down and pulled Dean down with him. Dean ended up half on top of Cas, his arms wrapped around Castiel's shoulders. Cas smiled and pulled him closer.

They stayed like this for a long time.

Dean pushed himself up and turned onto his side. Cas let him go but kept one hand buried under Dean's body. He turned his head to look at Dean.

Dean smiled. It was a crooked, shy kind of smile. Like he wasn't entirely sure if it was okay.

Cas smiled back. His eyes lit up.

Then Dean averted his eyes.

“Dean?” Cas asked quietly.

“Yeah?”

“Can I... tell you something? We can go on as we did before if you don't... I just... I think now could be a good time to say it. Probably the best or-or only chance I'll get." Cas stumbled over the words.

Dean frowned. "Uh, okay. Yeah, go ahead."

"I love you, Dean."

Dean's eyes narrowed for a split second. “Okay.” he nodded.

“Okay?” Cas echoed.

“Like you said before: you care about me.” Dean stated.

“Oh...” Cas shook his head. “I mean, yes, I do. But what I mean is... different.”

Dean frowned, then his eyebrows shot up. “You- you can't mean...” He briefly looked at Cas. “You're in love? With me?” he asked quietly.

Castiel nodded. “Yes.”

“Huh...” Dean nervously licked his lips.

“Does this make you uncomfortable?” Cas asked.

“N-no. No.” Dean took a deep breath. Cas wouldn't joke about something like this. “I... I love you, too.” he blurted out.

Cas stared back at him with raised eyebrows. “You do?” He sounded so hopeful.

Dean stared at his own hands. “Yeah.” It felt strange to finally have said it. He didn't know if it was right or wrong. But... he couldn't take it back anyway. He sighed, it felt like a huge weight was taken off his chest. There was no need to hide anymore.

Cas reached out and took one of Dean's hands in his own again. “I'm very happy about that.” There was a soft smile on his lips.

Dean chuckled. “Me, too.” His smile faded. He heard his father's words in the back of his head, shouting at him what a disappointment he was, all the things that were wrong with him. He would never be able to forget his father's words when he found out. Or the beating that had followed. The sheer hate in his father's eyes. 'You aren't my son' was one of the things he had said in a fit of rage.

And all the names he had called Dean over the years.

Dean shook his head, tried to fight his way back into the present.

Cas regarded him in worry. “Dean?” he asked carefully. When Dean finally looked up he continued: “What happened? You looked so sad all of a sudden.”

Dean swallowed. “Dad wasn't amused when he found out I was into guys as well. He hated me for it.”

“I'm sorry.” Cas whispered. He shifted closer to Dean.

Dean just hummed.

"He's gone now. He doesn't have any kind of power over you anymore."

Dean nodded in acknowledgement.

Cas shuffled even closer and rested their foreheads together.

After several minutes he had worked up the courage to reach out for Cas as well. A long while later he tilted his head and planted a quick kiss on Castiel's lips.

Cas stared at him in wonder, unable to believe it was really happening. He leaned closer as well, their lips almost touching.

Then Dean leaned in again and sealed their lips in a desperate kiss. He slid a hand into Cas hair, holding him there. He could feel Castiel's hands roaming over his back.

His stomach lurched when the realisation sank in. He was kissing Cas. Cas loved him. He had never dared to hope this could happen. 

When Cas leaned back he felt Dean's breath on his face, Dean's hands on his body, holding him close. It felt wonderful. He couldn't help but laugh.

Dean grinned.

"I love you." Cas said.

Dean looked away. He nodded, for a moment it looked like he was about to say something. But he closed his mouth and leaned in to plant a soft kiss on Castiel's cheek.

They stayed in bed for a long while.

When Deans' stomach rumbled, he reluctantly got up and took a shower and went to get breakfast.

 

"Hey, uh you seen Cas?" Sam asked as he handed Dean a cup of coffee.

Dean froze for a split second. What was he supposed to say? He took a sip of his coffee and turned around. "Yeah, he was with me earlier."

Sam frowned. "Okay."

Dean knew Sam expected an explanation but honestly what was there to say? He took another sip of his coffee before taking the cereal from the cupboard.

Sam watched him for a while, when he realised he wouldn't get an answer, he left.

After Sam was gone Dean thought about what he'd do for the rest of the day. Normally he'd search for a case. But now it was tempting to spend the day with Cas. In his room. But Sam would come looking for him if he didn't show up in the library.

When he went to put the milk back, he saw there was barely anything left in the fridge. And if he wanted to cook dinner tonight he'd need more. Well, looked like his way out was going grocery shopping.

He went back to his room and told Cas about his plan.

Cas agreed to come with him. He'd wait outside the bunker.

Dean smiled and leaned in for another quick kiss.

Cas smiled and second later he was gone.

Dean grabbed his jacket and wallet and headed to the library.

Sam sat at one of the tables, bent over a book.

"Hey, I'm gonna go on a grocery run. You need anything?"

Sam looked up. "Uh... shampoo and a toothbrush. And..." He tapped his fingers on the table. "Yeah, no, that's it."

"Alright." He turned around and left.

A few seconds later Sam called after him: "Dean?"

He turned around.

"When do you think you'll be back?"

"Hm... afternoon? Or late afternoon? I'm gonna cook dinner tonight, I'll definitely be back by then."

"Ohhh!" Sam grinned. "Cool."

Dean smirked and left. It was funny how excited Sam got when he said he'd cook. Then again, now that they had a proper kitchen, he could actually cook more complex things.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it! <3


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